there's a kind of knowing that only shows up when no one's watching
you can study something for months, build with it, live inside it, and still, the second someone asks you to explain it out loud, the words just run
i learned this the hard way
once, in an interview at a company i loved a lot, i froze completely. he asked me basic questions, /stuff i could answer in my sleep, and somehow nothing came out
then came the question that still hurts, "what have you built that you're most proud of?"
i've built a LOT, and i know i have, but in that moment my head just went blank, and tbh i said something i can't even remember now
it was a terrible answer and a terrible interview, and for weeks after, i kept replaying it in my head on a loop
the worst part was knowing i had the answer and my brain just wouldn't hand it over
for a while i told myself i just got unlucky, that it was a nervous day, and that it happens to everyone
but honestly, that's not really true
the truth is, i was living with a quiet lie, that understanding something in my head was the same as being able to say it out loud, under pressure, in front of someone i really wanted to impress
it's not, those are two completely different skills, and i had only trained one of them
so i kind of started over
i started building again, my own apps, my own projects, and i made my website better. every single thing i couldn't explain properly in that room, i went back and actually learned it, the kind of learning where you can teach it to someone else
and then i did the uncomfortable part, i started saying things out loud, to myself, to the wall, to my own reflection. i'd ask myself the same questions that interviewer asked me and answer them, again and again, until the words stopped tripping
it felt stupid at first, and honestly, it still does sometimes
but freezing felt worse
but what i do know is this, the next time someone asks me what i'm proud of, i won't go blank, and the answer will be there before the question even ends
and honestly, that interview might end up being the best thing that ever happened to me